Our son is 11 (almost 12) which means we are beginning to experience those tween years you hear so much about. The transition from kid to pre-teen is an interesting one and comes with its own set of smells – namely deodorant, body spray and cologne.
Miguel started wearing deodorant intermittently last summer and his aunt gave him cologne and AXE body spray this past Christmas. Recently, he came downstairs smelling like ALL THE THINGS and I had a vivid flashback to my Big Gay Boyfriend in high school who smelled so strongly of Polo that I could taste it.
I immediately began to fear for our safety and could almost see the headlines in the newspaper: “Minnesota Family Dies From The Silent Killer”. Is there an AXE monoxide detector? I couldn’t even open a window because January in Minnesota is as deadly as body spray. The only thing that I could do is to nip this over-odorizing behavior in the bud.
Me: Oh honey…don’t be the boy who uses too much cologne.
Miguel (laughing): You say that a lot.
Me: First of all, a cloud of cologne is no laughing matter and, secondly, we’ve never talked about this so I don’t “say it a lot”.
Miguel: No, you say “Don’t be the boy who blah blah blah…”
Me: Really? What have I said?
Miguel: You know…”Don’t be the boy who gives mixed signals to girls” and “Don’t be the boy who objectifies women”.
I was truly shocked. While I stand by both of those pieces of advice, I pride myself on being intentional in the way I talk to my kids and I had no idea that “Don’t be the boy who…” was my own personal trope. I was also shocked because he obviously listened to me closely enough to repeat my directives verbatim.
Me: Huh. I didn’t know I did that.
Miguel: Don’t worry about it. It’s funny.
The next day, Miguel asked me to show him how to put on the right amount of cologne and I did. And then I thought about all the times we have discussed rap lyrics and advertisements and their treatment of women. And then I thought about all the conversations we’ve had about his interactions with girls at school and I thought about all the ways that we teach him to be the kind of person we want him to be.
We do so much with intention.
And then I thought about the power of the lessons we give without thought.
Don’t be the boy who…
Giving mixed signals to girls and objectifying them are bad. Yes.
I’ll stand by those words but I can’t help but wonder if there have been others. What messages have I unknowingly given him about masculinity? Would I stand by those as well? I don’t know. I can only hope that he’ll point them out to me sometime because I don’t want the be the mom who…
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Oh I have lived with that axe cloud. My boy is also 11 and I’m also dealing with what I have unwittingly taught him about women and about being a good man.
And the cologne…I’m not sure what kind it is. It’s like some country singer kind – can’t remember the name. I think we have it under control now though. Whew.
I think I might have paid more attention to my parents when the advice was unrehearsed. It seemed more authentic.
Plus, I am sure there are more embarrassing things that you have said. That will be what they really remember forever.
I try to remind myself of the stuff my parents did and just aim to be one smidgen less embarrassing. If I can do that, I will chalk it up as a win.
How can you be so sure that I have said more embarrassing things?! Huh? I always bring my A game.
Okay…the A game comment was embarrassing so I see your point.
I hope you have done worse. Don’t be the boy who is really just not that bad. Neither is A game.
My Mom asked, as I was headed off to college, if the dance sponsored by University Security meant everyone had to come wrapped in saran wrap. You don’t know my parents, they never talked about sex. I think my Dad almost died with that comment. Liza (if she is reading this) is probably dying laughing (because she does know my parents) and or calling my sister to tell her (because, no, she doesn’t know this story either).
If I thought about this half as much as you do, i would be the mom who thought more about what she said.
Ha. I love you.
Actually, I think it’s not so much what we say as what they hear, and how that mixes in with everything else they hear and think, and what that message turns into after that whole process. Teens (and tweens) are funny creatures.
They are funny creatures indeed.
Regarding taking it upon yourself to teach him what the right amount of cologne is, how do you know you’re the mom who knows the right amount? Perhaps you’d like to ask Luisa for a second opinion.
I know these things, Deborah!
Your 11 year old’s vocabulary includes the word “objectify”? I am impressed. And secretly resenting you. But mostly impressed.