(This blog post is cross-posted from Clare Says where it was mostly ignored, except by someone who emailed to say I should post it on Lesbian Family.)
A Swedish toy-shop company is attempting to deflect allegations of sexism by producing a “gender neutral” Christmas catalog featuring boys with dolls and gun-toting girls.
I am not sure exactly how we got on the subject, but my husband asked if I would treat our child different if she were a boy. He ascertains that he has (and everyone should have) a gender-less approach to parenting where sons and daughters are treated exactly the same.
I had to think about this.
The answer is “no”. And the answer is “yes.” It depends on how you answer the question.
I would treat them the same in that I fight for my children not to be boxed in by society’s gender roles. I want my girls to explore science. To not be afraid of being strong, outspoken leaders. And I want my boys to explore the arts. To not be afraid of showing their feelings and being honest about what is important to them (even if it is not “manly”).
However, in that treating them the same and being the voice inside their head that speaks out against the ways society restricts them, my actions might be different. I might spend more time encouraging my son to talk about and express a whole range of emotions. I might spend more time encouraging my daughter to be interested in engineering. Why? Because those are areas where our culture (in my estimation) is failing all children.
So, which is it? Would I treat a son different than a daughter?
We're collecting an extended family album over at
I’ve had a lot of these same things going through my head as well. My mom did treat us the same, but without (I think) that extra nudge towards the emotional for my brother or mechanical for me. The end result… I ended up being interested in the mechanical anyway, while my brother used his cabbage patch doll as a football.
(in the end… I wish I knew.)
I only had a sister so I don’t have the comparison. In the end, I try very hard not to be judgy of others and their choices. Just clarifying my own choices is the most my brain can take.
I do think, maybe, it is easier for women to break the mold then men.
I think as long as we are thinking about it, which essentially is challenging gendered expectations and programming, we are on the right path. I like the way you are assessing cultural programming and balancing/mitigating/dissolving it.
Thanks Deb!
At the last birthday party, one of my daughter’s best friends (a boy) brought his favorite Disney princess (a little plastic figure). I found her in a pile of wrapping paper I was tidying while the kids were off playing and got all cranky. “Who gave my daughter a princess?” But then one of his moms (he has two) said “oh that’s A’s” and I was all like, “awww….”
So different…yeah. But not in the usual ways.
That is kind of awesome. Thanks for sharing.